Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in mikeypat's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Monday, July 31st, 2006
8:19 pm	thought of the day If you are definately not one religion, I mean, NOT a hindu, or a buddhist, or a taoist, or a christian, or a jew... then you are none of them. I've said this before to a few people, now I'm telling it to all y'all. So I guess, be careful saying "I'm not a ---, I'm a ---" Peace. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, July 28th, 2006
1:08 pm	discovery Learned alot about myself this week. I was diagnosed with a personality disorder, of which type they have yet to specify. I came back to my side-o'-hill hole and researched personality disorders. From what I can judge, I mostly fall under schizoid and schizotypal. No, that doesn't mean that I'm a schizophrenic. Very different. It basically means that I'm a loner, a chronic loner. And that makes so much sense to me now. In fact, the most common disorder associated with those who possess schizoid or schizotypal is major depressive disorder, which is what I have also been diagnosed with. Of course I have friends, but they are all people with whom I have spent alot of quality time alone. Good thing most of us just so happened to click together in Othello. That's pretty rare. But it don't just want, I NEED, my alone time. I need my sense of autonomy. So the constant bombardment of orders, socialization, being crowded by those who mean along with those who definately do not, breaks me down like butter in the microwave. I never quite realized this before. I always thought that I was just too picky, that it was my fault and all I had to do was change my thinking. Not so. I need my space. And myspace. I know, booooooo. Anyways... so all this social interaction puts so much pressure on me that I eventually crack, hence the major depressive disorder, in which I feel "hopeless and trapped" as I have said before. I jump straight to self harm because I know that there is no other way I could simply just dissapear like I need to. And if there was, it would involve reasoning with these folks which for me is another nightmare. I'm just learning this myself. I realize now that I am most happy and content on my own. That's not to say that I resent everybody, or that I don't care about my family or friends. But being in touch with myself is most important, and without that I can be nothing to anybody else. There's some insight for you. Love you all. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 18th, 2006
9:30 am	the issues Went back to the hospital after taking a bunch more pills. Nothing life threatening, in fact I just wanted to disappear, or feel high, for a while. 18 extra-strength excedrin to be exact. I have a liver that can be used for sewage treatment, because my blood tests were so clean that they don't even believe that I took the pills. I'm going with heroine next time, or maybe acid, or rat poison. So my command thinks I'm malingering. They can think all they want, but they can't charge me with it. The next day I talked to my doctor and a psychologist. My psychologist put in a recommendation for my discharge. Basically the doctors here in Bremerton keep saying that maybe the military is not for me, but I keep saying that's not an option. After being trapped in a tunnel for weeks, not being able to see any of my people in my home state, doing crap work and wasting my time, and being threatened and intimidated on issues concerning my treatment, the docs finally said enough. So they want to get me out. This particular psychologist says that he has never had somebody not get discharged when he recommended it. I don't know how he does, but he says he has a way of wording it... i don't know, man. We'll see what happens when I get back to Virginia. Now of course my platoon sergeant and my platoon commander are angry with me, and for almost the last week I have had to sleep from 9 pm to 5 am, and clean from 5 to 9, only stopping for meals and other essentials. Now I've been able to get them to let me work out in the evenings. The guys here are all for me, and I love them for that. And my folks and others have contacted both my congressman concerning this issue. Of course I'm willing to pull out the big guns, if need be, because nobody should have to deal with this crap and hopefully the next command who wants to bully one of their people while they go through psychiatric treatment will think twice about it. I'm holding on down here with that little sliver of hope that things could change. If I do get out now, I will have sufficient benefits with that. So don't worry about me if that happens. My meds are good, as far as I can tell, atleast they keep me pretty stable. None of the zoloft-enduced euphoria like last time, but not the harsh drop offs either. Love you all. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 26th, 2006
5:50 pm	World Hunger Hey everybody. My platoon commander told me that I was on his "shit list" and if I wanted to get off of it, I had better find a way to end world hunger. So I need you to send me ideas about how to end world hunger. Let's go people, we can do this. Kill two birds with one stone. No more starving folks, and no more me on the shit list. Thanks. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 24th, 2006
1:14 pm	the run around Hey everybody I'm just letting everyone know that I'm not getting time off anymore so don't get your hopes up. Tis all. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 18th, 2006
6:06 pm	father's day hey I'm stuck in a tunnel and I'm getting fat I have no goals because I don't see a reason to have any because there is no point I'm going nowhere there is no end to this suffering and finding no answers there is no purpose in self-aggrandizement when you carry the curse of physiological degeneration no remedies there is no escape nothing and nothing to begin with how is it that you can look at a happy, content, accomplished world and you can never be satisfied because you don't belong here you are a degenerate. Happy father's day. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 11th, 2006
8:41 pm	Silent For a long time. As some of you have noticed, I deleted my myspace awhile back. I told most of you that I simply didn't want it anymore. Truth is, it was the first thing I did to tie up loose ends because I wanted to kill myself that weekend. I somehow snapped out of it, so now I'm just a sad dude with no myspace. It hard for me to admit that I was actually planning it. I feel ashamed about feeling the way that I do. I feel pretty selfish. Times have been very tumultuous for me. I've been in and out of the hospital since may 5th. I don't understand myself or anything else right now. I'm trying to hold on. I've been binge eating and chain smoking for the last week. I have no self control. It's hard to get help for this. I don't know what the future holds. I was trying to keep it together yesterday but I got in the middle of a large crowd and that destroyed me. I laid down on the pavement by the water for a while and I finally got myself to get up and walk across down town back to Angels car. She drove me back to the synagogue and I got into my car and bought a ton of food and went back to my room and ate most of it, and puked some of it up. Sat in the bathroom and traced the veins in my left arm with my field knife. Today I woke up, smoked, ate some more, smoked, got two cd cases out of my car and organized my cds and threw away the ones that were scratched. Listened to the danielson family to make sure it wasn't scratched, and listened to Amnesiac and Kid A to make sure those weren't scratched. Watched some of the Mexico-Iran game. Was going to watch the Angola-Portugal game but I slept through it. All my teams are losing. Went to the coffee shop and listened to Hector and Ali play for awhile and talked to one of the workers their who seems to like me. Bought some wings and devoured them. Took out the garbage. Now I'm typing. I'm worried about tomorrow. I'm supposed to talk to my CO and now I have all these cuts on my arm. So many people are concerned about me and that makes me feel horrible. I hope nobody feels guilty like I do. Nobody should. Damn. As a kid, I don't recall saying that when I grow up, I want to be suicidal and miserable. Current Mood: depressed (4 Comments |Comment on this)
8:27 pm	trapped The tight rope walker has been practicing his act for his entire life. The tight rope is all that he knows. And he knows it very well. One day, all the people in his city came to watch him walk his tight rope. Nobody came to see him finish; the all wanted to see him fall. So he walks his tight rope, one side to the other. The crowd stares in silence. He begins to walk back across. He sees below him the silent crowd. He doesn't know who they are or where they come from, for all he knows is the rope. All he has ever known is backwards and forwards. He sees the crowd below, moving in and around eachother. And so he considers left and right, and falls to his death. The crowd cheers and goes home. Now all the dogs in the city have their dinner. Two men found themselves clinging to the edge of a cliff above a rushing river. Time went by, and no help came. One of the men became tired and wanted to jump. He tried to convince the other man to jump with him. He said that the water would cool them off. He said they would be able to rest at the bottom. He said that was the only chance to leave the canyon they were in. He said that their situation was too precarious to expect anything better. He didn't want to be alone. So he jumped. He was swept away by the current. When help came, the man still clinging to the cliff was rescued. When asked if there was anyone else, he replied,"No, I am the only one." The man who jumped was never found, but he didn't die. He spent the rest of his life trapped in the canyon, alone. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 9th, 2006
1:13 pm	feelin' easy like a sunday mornin'... Because it is sunday morning and I haven't posted for quite awhile. Listening to Nappy Roots. Thinking about the good 'ol days when I would wake up and listen to Nappy Roots. And holy donkey Mike has been working out on his own lately. But I still haven't quit cursing. But I guess the fact that it makes me feel horrible every time I do means I'm on the right track, right? But I shouldn't feel horrible. Acceptance. I went and saw Badfish last night. It was excellent. Are you a Badfish, too? Yoshi nearly got kicked out. I don't know why. I turned around and there was a bunch of people telling the bouncer to get him out. Lord knows. Ben and his antics... I'm going to California on tuesday til the 21st. It should be a good time. Can't wait, actually. Been reading Sartre. Confusing at times. I think I'll have to read it over a few more times. Also more Robert D. Kaplan "The Arabists" and I love his books. And more Nietzsche, "The Genealogy of Morals" and "Ecce Homo" in one book. I also bought "The Will to Power" and I think I will only have about three more of his books that I haven't read after that. Let me recap on my thus far favorite philosopher... I started my junior year with "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" which literally changed my life forever. I changed alot of my thinking since reading that and it continues to have an effect on me. I then read "The Antichrist" when gave me but alittle more positive fuel for my unbelief at the time. Of course I've gone through my own transition since then (don't fight the feelin'). I read "The Birth of Tragedy" like three times, including once in cuba. And lately I finished "Human, All too Human" and "The Gay Science." And the Genealogy of Morals, Ecce Homo, and WTP, I will still have to read Daybreak, and I really can't remember what else. Look at me, I'm a scholar. People like me. Now I'm just blabbing. Actually I have been. Me the weirdo once again. (Comment on this)
Friday, March 24th, 2006
2:57 pm	On my mind ONE LOVE. That's what I wanted to say today. Thank you very much Bob Marley. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 23rd, 2006
5:12 pm	feeling awkward... Haven't posted for a while for good reason. I've been busy and it's hard for me to even think about internet anything because lets face it, this place isn't real. And I've been hit with alot of reality recently. I DO NOT WANT SYMPATHY. I want to be with my family. I feel like I could be doing something very productive and meaningful and ultimately quite important right now, but I'm stuck in Virginia. I know that life goes on but I don't want it to go this way. This changes everything as far as how I feel and my general direction and such, but unfortunately this changes nothing about my habitual person and my physical direction. And this frustrates me. Adapt and overcome is what they teach us. I feel like I'm being forced to sit helplessly. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 13th, 2006
9:19 am	Who is listening? Somehow everything turns out to be a good time. I've been having this feeling that I've been destroying that good work within me by the way I live. Something that is good to begin with turns into a burden or a challenge, and I react badly. But somehow everything turns out to be good time. And as I was sitting yesterday on the verge of tears because my very nature causes me to rebel against the greatness that I seek within, that goodness comes out again. The voice voice of G-d. Have you ever believed it when someone said "It's okay"? Believe it. I'm telling all of you right now, because I love you all so much, though I may sometimes fail to show it, that it's okay. It's okay. I now know that this is true. Sometimes you have to believe. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 12th, 2006
4:55 pm	friends I had this great idea. Since I have so many friends whom I care about so much and have so many fond memories with... I decided to start a kind of series of entries, each being about a different friend of mine; what they mean to me, a few good memories we've had together, what I find unique and important about them. So stay tuned, and I'll be posting the same on my myspace blog. I'm not sure who I'll start with. But I'll make it good. And I encourage you to read the ones that aren't about you, also. Love you all. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 5th, 2006
6:20 pm	how I feel, and I think he's got a point... My good 'ol buddy, Friedrich Nietzsche, once again pulled the words right out of my mouth: Section 625 of Human, All Too Human entitled Solitary People: Some people are so used to solitude with themselves that they never compare themselves to others, but spin forth their monologue of a life in a calm, joyous mood, holding good conversations with themselves, even laughing. But if they are made to compare themselves with others, they tend to a brooding underestimation of their selves: so that they have to be forced to learn again from others to have a good, fair opinion of themselves. And even from this learned opinion they will always want to detract or reduce something. Thus one must rant certain men their solitude, and not be silly enough, as often happens, to pity them for it. And section 626 entitled Without Melody: There are people for whom a constantinner repose and a harmonious ordering of all their capabilities is so characteristic that any goal-directed activity goes against their grain. They are like a piece of music consisting entirely of sustained harmonious chords, with no evidence of even the beginning of a structured, moving melody. At any movement from the outside, their boat at once gains a new equilibrium on the sea of harmonic euphony. Modern people are usually extremely impatient on meeting such natures, who do not become anything - though it may not be said that they are not anything. In certain moods, however, their presence evokes that rare question: why have melody at all? Why are we not satisfied when life mirrors itself peacefully in a deep lake? The Middle Ages was richer in such natures than we are. How seldom do we now meet a person who can keep living so peacefully and cheerfully with himself even amidst the turmoil, saying to himself like Goethe: "The best is the deep quiet in which I live and grow against the world, and harvest what they cannot take from me by fire or sword." At first I read these and I was like "Hey, that sounds like how I feel most of the time." Maybe that's why I spend my weekends not swimming with dolphins or going wakeboarding or going to the clubs, but rather soak up the tropical climate inside my room, with a book, and a set of headphones. Maybe that's why I'm so fond of mountains and the outdoors, but tend to dislike "the field." I have just realized that I haven't had real peace and quiet since before I left for boot camp. It is nearly impossible for me in my present circumstances. Maybe that's where my trend of meditation came from. Hmmmm.. Just some food for thought. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 27th, 2006
9:39 am	Hope I'm on the line again. Not a bad shift. March 18th. But I don't really mind. I'm either here or there. Maybe I've been too hard on myself. Hmmm... Is there such a thing as too much good? Is serenity an unreasonable goal for someone at my age? These questions have presented themselves to me... probably a result of my failure to be where I want to spiritually. But I remember what Rabbi Joe said about self acceptance. I'm here, and I want to get over there, but being here is not that bad, and I should keep my composure and move at my own pace to my goal. Silence... do I really need it? It's very easy to get lost. You can never lose hope, no matter how bad things look. Something tells me that I'm not of the right nature for a life of peace, to be a true disciple. But I can't accept that, I have seen too much goodness, and what is the matter what things look like? I can change face any time I please, as can others, so where can I really put my trust? Afterall, we do not wrestle with flesh and blood... I keep regaining my energy, refinding my myself, and my direction. One day at a time, my friends. Luke 17:20-21 (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 23rd, 2006
7:09 pm	Young Brilliance At various stages of life, beginning even in early childhood, one comes across new ideas, epiphanies, awakenings of the soul. When these are experienced as a result of ones experience and natural lifecycle, rather than being learned from another person, one tends to percieve this as a stroke of their own genius, their own originality, an idea or new spirit they have birthed. Thus, many minds will grasp these instances (holding quite tightly) not ever recongizing the irony that many of those before them have come to the same grounds and passed by it, as it is part of ones natural path of cognitive and spiritual maturity. Some are afraid that this is their limit, or they become too fond at the first instance of finding a hidden genius within themselves. And thus many great thinkers are trapped, defending an age old and useless realization, always using more ingenious (and often ridiculous) arguments defending this position, merely because of its sweetness. And the last irony, that it often loses taste, especially when the thinker finds that he is wrong, or ill-evolved in thought. But ones faith in their youth prevails and requires them to stand fast in defense of an all too naive position. So if one is to become a great thinker, he must pass by these epiphanies and gay feelings of brilliance, all the while expressing them and embarassing oneself on the way. For this reason we should never take ourselves too seriously, but we should still put much emphasis on our thoughts. But then again, there may be a peak. After all, I'm only 20. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 19th, 2006
8:42 pm	seasons Alot of thoughts from this last week on post, and this weekend added on. Where has my focus gone, and why is it so hard for me to keep my focus on that which I claim to be so important to me? And that is my problem, I cannot blame this organization or any other person for this. That's one thought. I haven't solved that problem yet. I saw a few people walking down the street on friday as a bunch of marines were crossing and they ended up among us. Just one family, of foreign nationality (don't know where from)probably going to the beach or something. I had to wonder, whether they were filipino or cubans, how they felt in this place. I wondered if they look back, as I do, at their old life, and they new feelings of this place, and sense that general dichotomy of all that they knew and valued, and all that presents itself now. I had to wonder if they, as a collective, were struggling with that inconsistency of self that so easily grips people who are to and fro as they are. I wanted to know if they felt like me. This morning I ran to the carribbean, and walked about on the rocks for a while. I decided it was a prime place to meditate in the morning. So I'll probably go there tomorrow morning. Noone can bother me there. I don't hate my job or my life anymore. I don't blame the marine corps for any of my problems. I realize now that all my problems are of myself. I still need that change, if I am to remain consistent, if I am to keep the little bit of good that I've found. I need out of it, but I don't hate it. The guy I was running with this morning, who is soon to become an NCO, told me that he thought it was the greatest honor a man could have to lead and care for other men in combat. I'm glad I can now be completely objective about things like that. I know I need out, but I'm not bitter and I don't hate the corps. I recognize the change that I need, without that hate and the struggle that I would normally feel. I'm finally coming to the stillness of spirit that I've looked for, atleast a little bit. I went to the beach this afternoon and swam alittle bit, got alittle tan, and relaxed. I walked for a long ways to get there. After running six miles and then walking for atleast 3 and also swimming in between, I figured my endorphins would kick in. But I have ended the day on a sad, frustrated note. And it's all because I thought of the wrong things, and I wasn't able to come to peace with some of my issues. And this is the real struggle I must recognize within myself, which I fail to address and put off for other things, namely reading and conversation. But how, having stated what I just did, can I stay in frustration and sorrow? I cannot, because I have tasted the divinity and goodness within myself, and I know that it is still there. Friends, forgive me, for I have been untrue to you many times. I recognize my untruth and I try on a daily basis to correct this. Don't give up on me, and I will not give up on you. I love you all. I can end well, now. Luke 17:20-21 (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 16th, 2006
6:19 pm	let the good times rolllllll... I went swimming in the Caribbean today. I smile now! Woot woot!! (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 11th, 2006
7:02 pm	and the last back on post. I'm feeling great. Have no other way to feel. And, as you all probably figured, I am of course rethinking what I said in my last post. If you didn't read it it's because you don't love me but that's okay. BUt seriously, if they deny my application, I don't know what to do. Of course the most reasonable (reasonable?) thing to do would be to finish my contract and pray that I'm never in a bad situation. But I find myself now having a problem with the whole thing. Like I can't even train or equip others. But that's beside the point. I have no problem with just not working. I'm just afraid of the consequences. I have a hard time with being rejected and hated, and that's exactly what would happen. I hate being forgotten by people that I care about. And the thought of this brings all that back. I'm not making any sense, again. I'll shut up. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 4th, 2006
2:33 pm	now you know So I got a couple days off. Here's the status. My platoon sargeant wants my application to be done before I get back to Virginia. I'm turning it in when I get back. And it just occurred to me how this will really will look. I'm guessing that they will probably decide not to hear me. But I'm trying to do this the right way. I have to say that if they do deny me, it is no fault of mine, and in which case I will have to simply quit working. I think now is a good time to say that I have, for quite sometime now, been dedicating most of my time to my own spirituality. Having become disconcerned with the circumstances and consequences of this life is just one point I have come to. Objecting to killing is another. Giving up drinking is another. But all others can see is what I have given up, not what I've gained. I been places within myself that I'll never give up, and I want to see more. I suppose this classifies me as a mystic. I don't know. But I realize how alot of this looks to other people, and I think some many have the wrong idea. Noone can feel what is inside me. If they could, I doubt anyone which question or second guess me. They would probably want to know more, also. And to know that everybody possesses something like what I have, or even something better, is what amazes me about humanity. This causes me to take my relationships very seriously. I'm not trying to be a rebel, I'm not trying to be different. I'm trying to be what I always was but which has been corrupted by my own reactions to the events and circumstances of my life. And this is something worth dedicating ones life to. I have heard that if you want to know God, you must know yourself, for God, as he is applicable to our life and the only place where he can be known, is within us. And this is what I'm doing. I don't believe in the authority of any man anymore. I find it very hard but very important for me to be disobedient if what is being told me is detrimental to my search. And so therefore I can only respect another man so much and I respect myself, which is to say that if I don't see a reason for others to owe me "proper customs and courtesies" (meaning a generic greeting and gesture of the hand or body reflecting nothing of what the individual at the time is feeling and thus masking true communication and a better chance at the amelioration of a relationship between two equal human beings) then I should not owe them that, either. I do this, though, out of fear of being reprimanded and hurting my future circumstances. And in this I am dissapointed in myself. Which is why I'm trying do this right, because I still have that option. But if I am denied, I feel that I must let everything of this organization go. That is to say, I will no longer refer to myself as a Marine, or Lance Corporal Young, and I'm thinking about not even wearing the uniform anymore. I know this sounds like rebellion but I'm not angry, I'm merely fighting for myself. This is about the time when people say that I'm ridiculous and crazy. I understand that. But to me, that's Christianity and that is where I am supposed to be. Those are my thoughts for the day. (1 Comment |Comment on this)